The dream Christmas gifts for media execs
Blimey, it’s almost Christmas and I bet, like me, you’re likely to leave your Christmas shopping to the last possible moment – but it’s so damned busy at this time of year for us media people; almost to the point where work starts to interfere with Christmas lunches, drinks and parties.
So, when you do have time to shop, here’s a list of perfect Christmas pressies for overworked media execs.
The Fully Illustrated Version of the Leveson Report
Along with over 2,000 pages of fascinating evidence, analysis and recommendations there are over fifty beautiful photographs and illustrations accompanying the text – many in colour.
These include artists’ impressions of Coulson and Brooks in ‘butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth’ evidence giving mode; a number of genuine pictures of Cameron’s texts to Brooks, which include the LOL sign-off; and various photos of celebrities – including Hugh Grant, Charlotte Church, Chris Jefferies and the entire Murdoch family – at the Post-Leveson Inquiry Ball – generously sponsored by the Metropolitan Police and OK! Magazine.
The Little Book of Heroic Media Failures
This is not as sizeable or as glossy as the above, but a fun stocking filler nevertheless. It includes some perennial favourites, such as British Satellite Broadcasting (BSB), ONdigital, Friends Reunited and The Carlton/Granada merger – all of which, spookily, though not surprisingly, involved ITV when it was at its most hopeless.
More recent heroic failures move away from ITV and include the Sun on Sunday, Jeremy Hunt’s Community TV proposals, Newsnight investigations, George Entwistle and both Amazon and Google’s Corporation Tax submissions – the failure there being on the part of the Inland Revenue and the UK Government not Amazon and Google, I hasten to add.
Sing along with John Billett
This is the ideal media Christmas CD. As well as being one of the greatest media men of all time, John also happens to be a virtuoso pianist and a magnificent singer.
The Simon Cowell produced CD has John playing and singing numbers which include the jaunty I’m forever blowing budgets; the awesome the Power of CRR, backed by the Frankie Goes to Hollywood band; and the delightful I’m Dreaming of a Whiter Christmas than the Average White Christmas (as measured on the Billett rack)‘.
A Media Christmas Carol
Finally, no Christmas would be complete without a seasonal DVD – and A Media Christmas Carol will not disappoint.
The film opens in the office of the Chairman of a Worldwide Advertising agency group. He is hunched over his desk but the lighting is poor (just a low powered desk lamp), so it’s not possible to see him clearly – let’s just call him Michael Scrooge of the MS Advertising Corporation. It’s Christmas day but he is still working on cost cutting programmes.
Elsewhere in the building, the head of the Media, Nick ‘Scratchit’ Theako, is also working but bowed under the pressure of all the pitches and trading deals that have to be resolved. Mr Scrooge had, reluctantly, given him the day off but he felt duty-bound to work even though he’d not seen his family in months and had even had to turn down a number of media jollies.
Across town ‘Little Bammo’, in spite of being a smart, innovative and confident seller of broadcast TV, is feeling sickened by the prospect of staff and programme cuts, because advertising budgets are yet again down.
That night Michael Scrooge is sleeping fitfully when his is visited by an old colleague/advisor, who appears to be a ghost like figure.
“Jeremy Marley!” Scrooge exclaims, in shock. Jeremy quietly says, “Michael, you must come with me and some of my friends.”
Firstly, the ghost of Media Christmas past, who looks uncannily like John Horrocks, shows him a time when media negotiations were straight forward, pure, fun and profitable. Then the ghost of Media Christmas Present – a jovial, bald headed man with a Daily Mail in his pocket – shows him that still today some media executives are enjoying their Christmas socialising.
At various restaurants – the Ivy, the Wolsey and Le Gavroche – diners shout: “Guy, come and join us.”
However, none look at Michael Scrooge. But the ghost of Christmas Present also shows Scrooge media executives who aren’t doing so well now, with significantly reduced commissions and bonuses.
The bald man says: “It’s a damn shame when a chap’s down his last few cases of Lafite and Montrachet.”
Finally, Scrooge is introduced to the ghost of Media Christmas Future. He recoils as he meets a tall, elegant man with silver hair and a pronounced French accent. He follows him forward in time where he witnesses the nightmares of the future.
The buildings where once proud multinational agencies resided are deserted, their reception areas, once alive with beautiful ad execs, are now dark and cavernous with just the odd tatty direct mail leaflet floating amongst the cobwebs.
“Yes, I’m afraid with addressable advertising messages, behavioural targeting and social media networks, all the big ad campaigns, with no clear ROI justification, became increasingly obsolete. And the agencies, yours included, drastically cut costs – staff and buildings included.”
Then they look at media agencies – shiny modern buildings, but now all located in out-of-town business parks. However, within these premises, there is little sign of humanity; they are mainly populated with row after row of whirring computers, with the odd IT technician tinkering with the stacks of computers now and again.
“The future is all digital and schedules are created from data-base planning and based on algorithms and inter-active technologies,” the Frenchman says.
“Michael, you can do something about all of this,” the voices of the ghosts say to Scrooge. “You can reward and motivate your people and change the destiny of this great industry, so there is still a place for smart people.”
Scrooge wakes. Was it all a dream or was it the cheap Algerian wine at the office Christmas party? He couldn’t tell but he knew that he felt a new sense of purpose and a unique sense of generosity to his staff.
The final scene sees Scrooge with Nick ‘Scratchit’ Thaeko and Nick’s friend ‘Little Bammo’. He thrusts into their hands tickets for an all-expenses paid trip to the 2013 England ashes tour of Australia, creating a look of unadulterated joy on their faces.
Then he turns to the camera and says: “And Happy Christmas to one and all of you, even Maurice Levy.”
Jim Marshall is the Chief Client Officer at Aegis